He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
