I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
