You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All the doctor said was why
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
