Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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