If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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