You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
