12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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