this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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