I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
