My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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