Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
