i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
