time to smoke my breakfast
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
