Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
