I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
