heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
