I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
