Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
