Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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