I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
