when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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