I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
