So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
