Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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