I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
