She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
