Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
