My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
