dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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