We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
