It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Less talking, more tequila
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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