My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
