My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
