we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
