I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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