He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
