you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
