he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
