I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
