I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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