Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
