If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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