we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
They are going to name an STD after you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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