Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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