I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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