like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
