So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
