I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
