how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
