i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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