I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
