I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
