you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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