his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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