ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
