I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
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she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
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I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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