The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
