I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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