Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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