She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
