I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
