Pants 0. Shit 1.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
