Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
