I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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