I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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