I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
