and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
